


The Nice and Not Very Accurate Cookbook

by BlackPrism



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Cookbook, Humor, Illustrations, M/M, Recipes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackPrism/pseuds/BlackPrism
Summary: A Cookbook full of Good Omens inspired recipes and Illustrations. There are 21 recipes, each with a large Illustration, step by step Illustrations, and a few little, handwritten comments by our two favourite occult (and ethereal) beings. As well as hand holding.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	The Nice and Not Very Accurate Cookbook

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: Link works now, I fixed the HTML  
> I made a cookbook inspired by Good Omens. There is a PDF available too with Illustrations and cute little notes :) [Whole Cookbook-PDF Free Download](https://potatoknight.itch.io/the-nice-and-not-very-accurate-cookbook) or copy this link https://potatoknight.itch.io/the-nice-and-not-very-accurate-cookbook
> 
> There is also a Printed versoin available, all information here :) :[Hardcover Print Info](https://ineffablelovebirds.tumblr.com/post/635453433286180865/ineffablelovebirds-ineffablelovebirds) or copy this link : https://ineffablelovebirds.tumblr.com/post/635453433286180865/ineffablelovebirds-ineffablelovebirds

Flaming Sword Sandwich

To get through the dangers of the day, take this delicious sword with you. It won’t protect you, and it’s not advised to set it on fire, but it’s bread, and bread is always good.

Ingredients:

Bread:  
3 cups of flour  
1 ½ tablespoons of sugar  
A few pinches of salt  
1-2 tablespoons of dry yeast  
2 eggs  
1 additional egg  
⅓ cup of butter  
Milk  
Dried chilli flakes

Filling:  
Sweet mustard  
Hot mustard  
Mayonnaise  
Jalapeño (fresh or marinated)  
Pickles  
Cucumber  
Sriracha sauce  
Salad  
Tomato  
Spicy salami  
Cheddar  
Salt  
Pepper

1\. First, put the flour, sugar, salt and yeast into a large mixing bowl. Mix them lightly. You can also start preheating your oven now at 180°C.

2\. Start mixing the ingredients either by hand or with a standing or hand mixer, on a low setting. While mixing, first add the lightly melted butter and the two eggs. A ball of dough will begin to form. While mixing, slowly add some milk until you reach the desired consistency. The dough should be slightly sticky but peel off the walls of the bowl without much residue. 

3\. Cover the dough with a dish towel and set it aside in a warm place for 45-60 minutes. It should rise and increase in mass.

4\. Once the dough has risen, dust a large cutting board with some flour and knead the dough on the board for a few moments. Take about a third of the dough and set the rest back into the bowl.

5\. Roll out your piece of dough. It shouldn’t get too thin, leave it about a centimetre thick, but you can make it thicker if you prefer your bread that way.

6\. Using a knife or a large cookie cutter, cut out a sword shape.

7\. Knead the cut-off dough into the leftover dough you put back into the bowl. Take another piece, around the same size as the previous one, and repeat the last two steps, making more sword shaped dough pieces..

8\. Once all your dough is cut into shapes, place the swords onto a baking sheet covered in baking paper. Break open the last egg and beat it lightly in a bowl. Add a few pinches of salt and pepper, then brush some of the mixture onto the swords. Sprinkle the dried chilli flakes on top of that.

9\. Once your oven has heated up, put the sheet full of swords inside. Bake for approximately 20-30 minutes. Check on them regularly, once the top is a nice light brown, they should be ready.

10\. Take out the swords and let them cool for a bit, then slice them open sideways, preparing them to be filled.

11\. Now you can add your filling. Put the sweet and hot mustard on either piece of your sword, then take the bottom half of your sandwich and stack a few pieces of salad, slices of tomato, cucumber, pickles and jalapeño on top of it. Add mayonnaise and sriracha sauce on top. Then, stack some salami and cheddar and add salt and pepper to your liking, before closing the sandwich with the other side of your bread.

12\. Protect your pregnant wife from a lion using the sword. (Don’t actually approach any lions for this step).

Angel Crêpe

A tasty, sweet dessert for angels, demons and humans alike. No need to get caught up in the French revolution and lose your head for a taste of it.

Ingredients:

Dough:  
4 cups of flour  
1 ½ cups of milk  
3-4 eggs  
2 ½ tablespoons of melted butter  
1 ½ tablespoons of sugar  
1 ½ tablespoons of honey  
A pinch of salt  
A pinch of cinnamon

Filling:  
Banana  
Strawberry  
Apple sauce  
Whipped cream  
Chocolate sprinkles

1\. Mix the flour, sugar, cinnamon and salt in a large bowl.

2\. In a smaller bowl, whisk milk and eggs until they are fully combined, then mix in melted butter.

3\. Slowly, add one cup of your liquid ingredients to the larger bowl, mixing it in until you have a smooth paste but not longer than that. You don’t want to overmix it.

4\. Mix in the rest of the liquid, again until you have a smooth batter but not longer than that.

5\. Cover and place the bowl into your fridge for at least 20 minutes, but you can also keep it in there overnight for breakfast crepes.

6\. Add butter, oil or your frying medium of choice to a large pan. Take the largest pan you have, trust me.

7\. Give the batter a quick stir and pour enough of it to cover the bottom of your pan in a thin layer. Move the pan to distribute the batter nicely and evenly. Then, wait 30-40 seconds, inhaling the smell of sweet, sweet, frying batter.

8\. Flip the crêpe and wait another 10-15 seconds. This is a fast-paced job, but don’t go too fast. 

9\. Now, do the same to the rest of your batter, stacking the finished crêpes on any surface you can spare (preferably a plate).

10\. Now, take one crêpe, whip your cream or use the already whipped cream, and place a nice line in the middle. Add a few slices of strawberry and banana, then gently fold the sides until you have a kind of flat cone. Use some whipped cream to add angel wings on the sides and some applesauce for the halo.

11\. Time to tempt your demon with some sweet treats.

Pantley (Pan Bentley)  
Don’t we all want an old Bentley, one that transforms every music left inside, into Queen and survives actual Hellfire, just for ourselves? This recipe doesn’t involve setting a car on fire, but if that’s your plan for today, don’t let me stop you.

Ingredients:  
4 slices of white bread  
2 - 2 ⅓ cups of milk  
1 egg  
Pepper  
One pinch of salt  
Cherry tomato  
Salami  
Cucumber  
Sliced cheese of your choice  
Ketchup  
Mayonnaise

1\. Mix the milk, egg, salt and pepper in a bowl until they are well combined.

2\. Place the slices of bread into a flat bowl or similar dish and drench them in your egg-milk mixture. You want them as soggy as you can get them.

3\. Pour some oil, butter or whatever else you prefer for frying into a pan. One after the other, take your slices of bread and fry them for 4-5 minutes on medium heat, or until the bread turns a crispy shade of brown, then flip it and get the other side crispy as well.

4\. Place a small square of your sliced cheese onto the already crispy side of your bread while it’s still frying. This is going to be the car’s side window. Once the other side is crispy and the cheese slightly melted, take out the bread and place it on a plate.

5\. Take two slices of salami, place them at the bottom of the bread, slightly hanging off its side. You gave it a few wheels. Now, slice the cucumber into a few slices and the cherry tomato into halves. Place one slice of cucumber on top of the salami, and the tomato on top of the cucumber. You now have wheel caps.

6\. Use the ketchup to draw a little door on the side, maybe a head of red hair in the window. Use the mayonnaise to add a frontlight and backlight.

7\. Repeat the same steps with the other slices of bread.

8\. Now, drive like you are being chased by hell itself or like you can miracle away all your obstacles.

Chow(™) 0.5  
This is not actually a regular burger. This has never been near a regular burger. Please enjoy Chow(™) now in its first testing phase. Nutritional value will be decreased over time.

Ingredients:  
Literally nothing edible

Burger Patty:  
1 can of black beans  
1 cup of breadcrumbs  
½ onion  
Salt  
Pepper  
Garlic powder  
Turmeric  
Nutmeg  
½ cup of flour

Other:  
A few very large sweet potatoes  
Tomato  
Salad  
1 onion  
2 tablespoons of tomato paste  
2 tablespoons of honey  
1/4 cups of vegetable broth  
Thyme

1\. For the patty, first, saute the onions for 5-8 minutes and mash the beans in a large bowl. Newtritions recommends using artificial ingredients for each of the steps.

2\. Add the onions, breadcrumbs, salt, pepper, garlic powder, turmeric and nutmeg to the beans, then mix until they are all well combined.

3\. Slowly add the flour while kneading the mixture with your hands until you use up all the flour, then keep kneading for about 3 minutes.

4\. Roll six little balls then flatten them carefully to form the patties.

5\. Add oil, butter or something similar that you prefer and fry the patties for about 3 minutes on medium heat. Then, flip and fry for another 3 minutes.

6\. Slice your sweet potatoes so you end up with 12 rather thick and large slices. They will be used as the burger buns. Fry or toast them until they are crispy on the outside and just done on the inside (around 10 minutes). Flip them regularly so both sides get crispy.

7\. For the sauce, chop your onions roughly. Caramelize them for about 30 minutes, stirring from time to time. Once caramelized, add tomato paste, honey, thyme and broth. Stir until well combined.

8\. Assemble the burger. Add some sauce on one slice of sweet potato and some salad on top of that. Then, the patty, a spoonful of sauce, then the finishing slice of sweet potato.

9.Newtritions recommends eating your Chow(™) 0.5 with a large nutritionless shake and a serving of foodless fries.

Dick Turnip  
You might wonder why this meal is named Dick Turnip. You want to know, don’t you? Ask me why it’s named Dick Turnip. Ask me. Do it.

Ingredients:  
4-5 small turnips  
3 tablespoons of butter  
1 teaspoon of brown sugar  
Salt  
Pepper

1\. Peel and dice your turnips.

2\. Bring a pot of water to boil, add some salt into the water and carefully put in your turnips as well. Cook them for about 25 minutes. Test if they are done by poking them with a fork. Once they are soft, they are done.

3\. Place the turnips in a bowl and start mashing them with either a fork or a potato masher. While mashing, add butter, sugar, pepper and a pinch of salt. Keep going until you have a thick, warm paste.

4\. Try not to turn it upside down on your way to your soon-to-be partner in crime witchery.

Snekghetti  
Do not worry. No snakes have been harmed in the production of this dish. It should also not be fed to non-demonic snakes.

Ingredients:

Pasta:  
4 large eggs  
4 cups of flour  
2 tablespoons of olive oil  
2 teaspoons of salt  
1 tablespoon of squid ink  
1 tablespoon of red beet juice (or red food dye)

Sauce:  
½ cup of butter  
1 ½ cup of heavy cream  
2 teaspoons of minced garlic  
Chopped parsley  
Pinch of nutmeg  
Salt  
Pepper  
2 cups of grated parmesan cheese  
1 tablespoon of squid ink

1\. First, make the pasta. Crack the eggs, two in one bowl, two in another. Mix in the squid ink into one of the bowls, and the beet juice or food colouring into the other.

2\. The black mixture goes first. Take half of the flour, put it in a bowl, make a small dent in the center of it and, into it, pour: the black egg mixture, 1 tablespoon of olive oil and 1 teaspoon of salt. Then, mix either by hand, with a hand or stand mixer for 3-4 minutes until the mixture is crumbly but will stick together when you squeeze it. If it doesn’t stick, add some water, one tablespoon at a time, until it does, but make sure it stays crumbly and doesn’t get too wet.

3\. Form a ball of dough, wrap it in cling wrap and let it rest in the fridge for at least an hour.

4\. Now, do the same with the rest of the flour and the red egg mixture. Let it also rest in the fridge.

5\. About 30 minutes before rolling, take out your dough. 

6\. Dust a large cutting board with flour. Take your dough ball, place it on the board, flatten it lightly with your hand and roll it out to 1-2 cm thickness. Then, take a pizza cutter or knife and cut thin strips.

7\. Cook the strips in a well salted pot of boiling water for 2-5 minutes, until they’re still slightly firm but nice and sticky. While they’re cooking, roll out and cut the other ball of dough. Cook these strips as well in the same way.

8\. For the sauce, add your butter and cream into a pot. Let it simmer for 2 minutes on low heat.

9\. Whisk in the garlic, then the nutmeg, salt and pepper.

10\. Whisk in the cheese until it melts. Take the mixture off the stove, whisk in the ink and parsley.

11\. Serve an equal amount of red and black pasta, with some of your sauce.

12\. An older ginger goth with sunglasses might appear. Appease him with some pasta.

M25  
Years of planning, bribing and moving around markers at night have shaped this horrible road into what it is today. Sometimes, it might catch fire. Don’t worry, that's part of its charm.

Ingredients: 

Dough:  
500g of flour  
15g of dry yeast  
250ml of lukewarm water  
1 teaspoon of salt  
2 tablespoons of olive oil

Filling:  
Pizza sauce  
Dried chilli flakes  
Jalapeño (fresh or marinated)  
1 red bell pepper  
1 yellow bell pepper  
2 cloves of garlic  
125g of freshly shredded mozzarella  
125g of sharp cheddar  
50-80g of kalamata olives  
Thyme  
Basil  
Oregano  
Salt  
Pepper 

1\. To make the dough, add the dry ingredients into a bowl, mix them lightly and start preheating your oven to 190°C. 

2\. Using a large spoon, a hand or stand mixer, continue mixing the dry ingredients while slowly adding the water, then the oil. Keep mixing until you have a solid ball of dough. 

3\. Take the bowl, cover it with a dish towel and place it in a warm place for 45 minutes.

4\. Dusting a large cutting board with some flour, take your ball of dough and knead it a few times before rolling it out into one long rectangular strip. Don’t make it too thin but make sure that it’s long enough for you to be able to form a nice circle with it (about 60cm length should do it).

5\. Leaving an edge of about 3cm on each side, add your filling. Start with the sauce, then add the diced vegetables, sprinkle the cheese, and lastly, add the spices on top. 

6\. Wet the plain dough left on the long sides with some water, then fold the whole thing together, pressing the wet edges onto each other until they stick. Turn it until the stuck-together edges are on the bottom, then form the whole tube into a circle, pressing the ends together. The circle should resemble the dark sigil Odegra.

7\. Bake for 35-40 minutes. Once done, you can throw some more cheese, chopped parsley or sriracha sauce on top.

8\. Try not to drive your car over this one. Even if it’s not on fire.

Hellfire  
Most popular dipping sauce in hell. If you are of angelic stock and haven’t been demoted to the slightly less fancy, bottom offices, better stay away from this one. It might burn more than just your tongue.

Ingredients:  
2 serrano peppers or 1 habanero pepper  
1 red bell pepper  
225g of feta cheese  
¾ cup of plain yoghurt  
¼ cup of sour cream  
1 clove of minced garlic  
Salt  
Pepper

1\. Slice your bell pepper into quarters, then roast them, skin down in a pan with a little oil, until they are nice and dark (don’t burn them though.) You can also use your oven by turning up the top heat or setting it to broil and placing a baking sheet about halfway down for 15 minutes.

2\. Once the peppers are done, let them cool down, peel off the skin, mince them and place in a bowl. Mince your hot peppers and garlic and add them to the bell pepper.

3\. Crumble your feta into the bowl. Add yoghurt, sour cream, a pinch of salt and some pepper, then mix until everything is well combined. Cover with saran wrap and keep in the fridge until you are ready to use it.

4\. If you have any unfinished reports, shred them and dip them. There is no better or quicker way to get through the pile.

Snake Snacks (snecks)  
Snacks for snakes, by snakes, made out of snakes, flavoured with snakes, packaged in snakes, served on snakes. Now, 100% snake free.

Ingredients:

Snake Chips:  
4 potatos  
3 tablespoons of olive oil  
Salt  
Pepper  
Paprika powder  
Garlic powder

Snake Crackers:  
1 ½ cups of flour  
1 teaspoon of thyme  
1 teaspoon of pepper  
1 teaspoon of salt  
½ teaspoon of sugar  
2 tablespoons of olive oil  
½ cup of cold water

Snake Sandwiches:  
12 pieces of sandwich bread  
Cream cheese  
Parsley  
1 cucumber  
Ham

Snake Chips:

1\. Preheat your oven to 200°C and wash your potatoes well.

2\. Cut your potatoes into thin slices. Aim for 3-5mm thickness. Once sliced, use a snake shaped cookie cutter and create potato snakes. You can use a knife to cut out the shape, as well.

3\. Distribute the slices evenly on a baking sheet, making sure none overlap. Then, drizzle the oil over them and cover that in a thin layer of spices.

4\. Cover the slices with a sheet of baking paper and bake for 15-20 minutes, checking frequently so they don’t burn.

5\. Don’t swallow whole unless you are physically capable of doing so.

Snake Crackers:

1\. Add flour, thyme, salt, pepper and sugar into a large bowl. Mix lightly, add the oil and mix again. You can start preheating your oven to 220°C.

2\. While mixing, using your hands, a stand or hand mixer, pour water in slowly. Mix for a short time until your dough sticks together.

3\. Knead your dough for a bit while in the bowl, then cover it with a dish towel and let it rest for 10 minutes in a warm place.

4\. Roll your dough out as thinly as you possibly can. Use a snake shaped cookie cutter or knife to create small snakes. Be gentle as the dough is very thin. Then, knead and roll out the leftovers and repeat, making more snakes.

5\. Once done, place the snakes on a baking sheet and bake for about 5 minutes. Watch it so it doesn’t turn too dark and burn.

6\. Crackers might hiss.

Snake Sandwiches:

1\. Take your pieces of bread. Stack two pieces of bread at a time on top of each other, and, using a large cookie cutter or knife, shape them into snakes.

2\. Spread cream cheese on the cut bread.

3\. Cut the cucumber into slices. Put some on 3, ham on another three. Cover those with cucumber/ham free pieces of bread.

4\. Keep in Terrarium of appropriate size. (Don’t forget to install a heating lamp.)

Desserts

39 Flavours of Ice Cream  
Imagine that. 39 flavours of ice cream. That’s enough for a month and then some, a new flavour every day!

Ingredients:  
2 cups of heavy cream  
1 can of condensed milk

1\. Keep your cream chilled right until you start using it. Pour it into a bowl and beat either by hand, with a stand or hand mixer until stiff peaks start to form.

2\. Slowly mix in condensed milk and all the tasty things you want in your ice cream.

3\. Cover your bowl with saran wrap, pressing it down so it fully touches the mass.

4\. Then, freeze until firm, at least for 6 hours.

Flavours:  
1\. The Crowley: squid ink, strawberry jam. Mix in a spoon of ink, then create nice streaks with your jam. Pretend to pour in some black coffee and despair but add some sugar instead.

2\. The Aziraphale: tiny marshmallows, caramel sauce and sea salt. Sprinkle in the marshmallows and pour in some sauce. Stir. Add a pinch of salt. Stir. Create a few streaks with the leftover sauce. Place a small bowtie on top.

3\. The Madam Tracy: a can of fruit salad and vanilla flavouring. Drain the liquid, stir in the fruits and a few drops of vanilla. Keep near ouija boards.

4\. The Shadwell: freeze some condensed milk in an ice cube tray, put a butterscotch candy in each form so it’s surrounded by condensed milk. Sprinkle those into the ice cream mass so you have double the condensed milk. Make it angry.

5\. The Anathema: powdered purple yam (ube powder), blueberries and lavender sprigs. Put some of the cream aside before making the ice cream mass, boil it with the lavender sprigs in it. Take the sprigs out, let it cool, stir it in together with your ube powder and a few blueberries. It might get run over, be careful.

6\. The Newt: gummy bears, pop rocks and popcorn. Just stir these bad boys in. Keep away from electronic devices.

7\. The Original Adam: apple and cinnamon. Mince the apples, stir them in together with some cinnamon. Cover with fig leaves and throw outside.

8\. The Eve: apple and apple sauce. Chop the apples, stir them in. Create some streaks with applesauce. Keep away from snakes and trees.

9\. The Antichrist: applesauce and lemon sherbert. Stir in a few lemon sherberts, then create streaks with applesauce. Dogs love it!

10\. The Not-Antichrist: liquorice. Take some liquorice sweets, melt them with a little bit of water in a pan. Take some more, cut them into chunks. Stir both in. It probably has childhood trauma, get it a nanny, quick.

11\. The Pepper: lightly crushed black pepper, sea salt and vanilla. Crush your black pepper lightly, throw it in with a pinch of sea salt and a teaspoon of vanilla essence. Don’t talk down to this one, it knows some stuff.

12\. The Wensleydale: vanilla essence and cookies. Add a few drops of vanilla essence and crumble up a few cream cookies. Add some glasses. Don’t eat the glasses.

13\. The Brian: chocolate sauce, chocolate chunks and cocoa powder. Stir in cocoa. Chop up your chocolate and mix it in. Create streaks with your sauce. It’s gonna be dirty and full of lint in about 0.3 seconds, don’t worry, that’s normal.

14\. The Agnes: cinnamon and black tea. Steep your tea in a little water. Let it cool and stir it in with the cinnamon. Listen to it, it knows what you should do. 

15\. The Gabriel: make it look down on people. Add some chocolate flakes. 

16\. The Michael: add a shot of Vodka.

17\. The Sandalphon: cinnamon and sea salt. Stir both in. Don’t go too heavy on the salt or you will turn into a salt pillar.

18\. The Beelzebub: squid ink and raisins. Stir both in. Some of the raisins might move. Don’t worry, they will always turn into flies, just keep them from leaving the bowl.

19\. The Dagon: sardines… Actually wait, please don’t. 

20\. The Hastur: grilled frog meat and sriracha. Mix in the finely shredded meat, create swirls with the sriracha. Keep near the Ligur ice cream.

21\. The Ligur: candied fruits and fruit loops. Stir both in. Colorful like a chameleon. Now, just melt it, and you're good.

22\. The Eric: Throw it away. Or add some chopped walnuts. It’s your choice.

23\. God: pop rocks. Stir that stuff in, and you're gonna have a surprise with every bite. It might throw a tantrum and kick you out of your home if you question it though. 

24\. The War: a whole bottle of hot sauce.

25: The Famine: the ice cream is gone.

26: The Pollution: oil. Doesn’t matter which. Doesn’t matter if you have some. It’s gonna just be in there. WIth some trash. Don’t eat this.

27: The Death: stab your ice cream.

28\. The Bentley: just an entire car. Coffee syrup and candied almonds. Stir in your almonds and some sirup, create streaks with the rest. Set it on fire.

29\. The Bookshop: earl grey and shortbread. Steep some earl grey in a little water. Stir that in with some crumbled up shortbread. Very british. You probably won’t be able to eat it though because it suddenly becomes inaccessible most of the time, except for some sudden and erratic times.

30\. The Ritz: champagne and pastry crumbs. Just pour in some champagne. Also crumble up some premade pie shells and stir that in.

31\. The Heaven: mint essence, mint leaves. Add a bit of essence and some chopped up leaves. It’s kind of… very cold and blank, isn’t it?

32\. The Hell: hot cheetos and spicy doritos. Crumble both up and stir it in. Add some grime and dust from your floor. Perfect.

33\. The Ducks: bread. Breadcrumbs. Throw… BREADCRUMBS!

34\. The Tartan: pistachio and cocoa. Divide up into three bowls, stir in chopped pistachios into one, cocoa into the other. Freeze individually. Either serve as balls together or create an intricate pattern. The latter sounds very stylish.

35\. The Crepe: throw in an entire crepe. Just do it. 

36\. The ‘I lost My Best Friend’: 3 bottles of whiskey. Leave out the Ice cream base. Don’t freeze. You can cry, it’s okay.

37\. The Crowley’s Hairstyles: strawberry jam, fresh strawberries. Chop the berries up and mix them in together with the jam. Change the shape of the bowl you freeze them in frequently.

38\. The Holy Water: pour in holy water. Or mineral water.

39\. The Hellfire: freeze, pour some beverage over it with a high alcohol content, set it on fire.

Tea at the Ritz  
You stopped Armageddon! You deserve a nice plate of tasty stuff and some tea. Toast to the world.

Ingredients:

Tea:  
1 liter of water  
Fruit tea (15g loose or 3 bags)

Finger Sandwiches:  
8 pieces of sandwich bread  
Cream cheese  
Tuna spread  
1 cucumber  
Pack of salmon slices

Tarts:  
½ cup of butter  
1 cup of flour  
85g of cream cheese  
1 cup of heavy cream  
1 apple  
A few grapes  
2 egg yolks  
2 teaspoons of corn flour  
1 cup of milk  
1 tablespoon of sugar  
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract  
1 small can of mandarins

Scones:  
2 cups of flour  
2 teaspoons of baking powder  
½ teaspoon of salt  
¼ cup of sugar  
6 tablespoons of butter  
⅔ cup of milk  
1 egg  
Jam  
Clotted cream

Cream 1:  
1 cup of strawberries  
4 egg yolks  
1 cup of heavy cream  
1 cup of sugar  
Crumbled shortbread  
Thyme

Cream 2:  
¼ cup of milk  
2 ¼ teaspoons of gelatine powder  
2 cups of heavy cream  
¼ cup of sugar  
½ teaspoon of vanilla extract  
1 small can of mandarins

Tea:

1\. Steep your tea for 10-15 minutes.

2\. Don’t drink it immediately even if it smells good.

Finger Sandwiches:

1\. Spread cream cheese on 4 pieces of bread. Spread the tuna cream on the other 4. 

2\. Cut your cucumber into slices. Add them to a few of the pieces of the bread. Add slices of salmon onto the others.

3\. Put the slices of bread together to create sandwiches. Then, slice them diagonally to create small triangles.

Scones: 

1\. Preheat your oven to 200°C. Then, put flour, baking powder, salt and sugar into a bowl, and stir lightly.

2\. Warm the butter until it’s soft, then add to the bowl. Mix by hand, with a stand or hand mixer until it has the texture of sand. 

3\. In another bowl, whisk milk and eggs together. Take 2 tablespoons of the mixture and pour them into a separate dish for later use. The rest, pour into the other bowl and mix until combined. Then, take the dough and knead it on a flour covered large cutting board until it forms a smooth ball. Don’t knead for too long.

4\. Roll it out to a few centimeters thickness and cut out fist sized circles. Knead and roll out the leftovers and repeat. Then, using the leftover milk and egg mixture that you set aside earlier, lightly cover the circles with the eggs. After that, put them in the oven for about 15 minutes, or until they have risen to thrice their size.

5\. Serve with some clotted cream and jam.

Cream 1: 

1\. Take your strawberries and saute them with about a teaspoon of sugar on low heat. Place them in a high glass so about ⅓ of it is full.

2\. Put egg yolks into a bowl of a size that you can place into a hot water bath later. Add the sugar and whisk until the mixture is thick and forms very light peaks.

3\. Heat up some water in a large pot until it simmers, then place the bowl on top of the pot (not fully submerged) and keep whisking until your mixture has doubled in size. 

4\. Now, put the bowl into a cold water bath and whisk until the mixture has cooled down.

5\. Beat the cream until stiff peaks form, then gently add it to the other mixture.

6\. Freeze for 2 hours.

7\. If the strawberries are already done and are inside the glass, add some on top until the glass is ⅔ full.

8\. Crumble your shortbread on top until the glass is full, then sprinkle some thyme over it.

Cream 2: 

1\. Fill a tall glass to about ⅓ with mandarins.

2\. Pour milk into a small bowl and sprinkle gelatine on top in an even layer, without piling it. Let that sit for 10 minutes.

3\. Heat cream, sugar and vanilla extract in a pot until the sugar dissolves. Then, take the pot off the stove and stir in the gelatine and milk. If the gelatine doesn’t fully dissolve, stir continuously over low heat until it does.

4\. Pour the gelatine mixture over the mandarins until the glass is full, then refrigerate for 2-4 hours until it’s fully set.

Serve it all on a nice table with two chairs that are very, very close together.

Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte  
Sometimes times are tough. Baking a bit and supplying local burglars with baked goods and life advice can help pass the time.

Ingredients:

Dough:  
6 eggs  
6 tablespoons of water  
200g of sugar  
200g of flour  
50g of cornstarch  
50g of cocoa powder  
2 tablespoons of baking powder

Filling:  
1 glass of morello cherries  
2 tablespoons of cornstarch  
4 cups of heavy cream  
1 tablespoon of sugar  
1 tablespoon of kirschwasser  
5 packages of whipping cream stiffener  
100g of chocolate flakes

1\. Add the eggs, water and sugar to a large bowl, then whip either by hand, with a stand or hand mixer until it has doubled in volume. In another bowl, mix flour, starch, cocoa and baking powder, then pour it all through a sieve into the egg mixture, little by little, folding it in as you pour. You can start preheating your oven to 180°C.

2\. Take a baking form of about 26cm, rub some butter on the bottom and sides, then sprinkle some flour onto that. Pour in the batter and smooth out the top. Bake it for about 20 minutes, then take it out and wait until it’s fully cooled down.

3\. Separate the cherries from their liquid. Mix the starch with about 2 tablespoons of liquid while adding the rest to a pot and bringing it to a boil. Mix in the starch, let it boil again while continuously stirring, then take it off the heat. 

4\. Put 16 cherries aside for decoration and mix the others into the pot. 

5\. Cut your baked cake into three pieces of the same size. Take one of the pieces, which will be the bottom, and drip about 3 tablespoons of kirschwasser onto it before spreading the cherry-starch mass over it. Make sure to smooth out the top, then let it cool down completely.

6\. Whip your cream until soft peaks form, add the whipping cream stiffener and beat until stiff peaks form. Spread about 3 tablespoons of the cream over the cherries on the bottom part of the cake. Then, place the middle part of the cake on top of the bottom part and drip another 3 tablespoons of kirschwasser on top of the second layer.

7\. Put about 4 tablespoons of cream into a piping bag and set it aside. Spread half of the leftover cream on top of the middle cake piece, then add the top and final cake layer.

8\. Drip the rest of the kirschwasser onto the cake and use the leftover cream to cover the outside of the cake. Make 16 little Cream drops with your piping bag, using a star-shaped tip. Add a cherry on each drop. Then, cover the sides and top in chocolate flakes and set the cake aside in someplace cool until you are ready to eat it.

9\. Afterwards, call your demon and tell him about your baking adventures.

Azirapie  
The softest pie in the world. It can be a bit of a bastard though. But that just makes it more loveable.

Ingredients:

Crust:  
2 ½ cups of flour  
2 teaspoons of sugar  
1 teaspoon of salt  
210g of cubed butter  
120ml of iced water

Filling:  
4 sheets of gelatine  
100g of sugar  
50g of butter  
2 tablespoons of milk  
200g cream cheese  
300g plain yoghurt  
400ml heavy cream  
3 ripe bananas  
50g chopped walnuts

1\. Add flour, sugar and salt to a large bowl. While kneading continuously, add the cubed cold butter until you have a coarse, sand-like dough. You can start preheating your oven to 190°C now.

2\. Take the cold water and add one tablespoon at a time, keep kneading the dough until it starts to come together. Don’t use more water after that. Form a ball out of the dough, wrap it in saran wrap and put it in the fridge for an hour or longer.

3\. Take the dough out of the fridge, cut off about a ⅓ and roll out the rest until it’s approximately the size of your pie form (which should be somewhere around 15-20 cm in diameter). 

4\. Place the rolled out dough into the form, squeeze the edge between two of your fingers in short intervals to decorate the crust, then take some aluminium foil and cover the dough fully so the foil is touching it. Put pie weights or rice onto the foil, then bake the pie for 15 minutes.

5\. Roll out the rest of your dough. Cut out two angel wings. Knead and roll out the leftovers and cut those into strips. Make a bow tie out of one. Take the crust out of the oven, remove the weights/rice and foil, poke a few small holes into the bottom of the dough with a fork. Decorate the edge with your dough strips. Put the wings and bowtie on a baking sheet and bake together with the crust for another 15-20 minutes until they’re brown and crispy.

6\. Make some butterscotch by caramelizing the sugar with a tablespoon of water in one pot. In another pot, brown the butter (heating it until it melts and turns brown, smells heavenly). Then, mix the butter slowly into the caramel. Be careful, it will bubble up, and it’s very hot. Take it off the stove when it’s combined.

7\. Soften the gelatine sheets, following the instructions on the packaging, and bring your milk to a boil in a large pot. Slowly stir in your butterscotch until it’s fully dissolved. Take it off the stove and let it cool for a few minutes.

8\. Dissolve the softened gelatine in your milk, then the yoghurt and cream cheese. Put it in the fridge until it just starts to set, then whip your cream and fold it in. Put it back in the fridge.

9\. Peel your bananas, slice them horizontally into two halves, then chop them into smaller pieces. Cover the bottom of your cooled crust with them evenly. Take your cream mixture and pour it onto your crust, then sprinkle your chopped walnuts on top. Let it set in the fridge for 4 hours, then put the wings and bow tie on top.

10\. You pie might now transform into a small angel. Keep it well fed and warm.

This Book is actually Cake  
No, this is a bookstore. Yes, we also have cake. No, you can’t purchase anything. Yes, you should leave now.

Ingredients:

Cake:  
200g of butter  
4 tablespoons of cocoa powder  
200ml of water  
350g of sugar  
1 tablespoon of baking powder  
250g of flour  
One pinch of salt  
2 eggs  
150g of creme fresh

Decoration:  
400g of powdered sugar  
200g of softened butter  
One sheet of marzipan  
One sheet of brown fondant  
Small block of fondant (gold of white)  
Golden food coloring

1\. Place the butter, cocoa powder and water into a pot. Bring to a simmer under constant stirring, then take it off the stove and let it cool for 10 minutes. You can start preheating the oven to 200°C now.

2\. Place all your dry ingredients, flour, sugar, salt and baking powder, into a large mixing bowl and stir lightly. Mix in your eggs and creme fresh until well combined, then add your cooled cocoa-butter mixture. Stir well and pour into a rectangular baking sheet.

3\. Bake for about 30 minutes in the lower third of your oven, then take it out and let it fully cool.

4\. Now, make the buttercream. Sift your powdered sugar then beat it with the softened butter. You can use 2-3 tablespoons of boiling water to get it to soften and come together smoothly.

5\. Once the cake is cooled, take the cream and spread it over the top and sides of the cake. Cover the whole cake in a thin layer of cream, then take the sheet of marzipan (or roll out a block of marzipan), and drape it over the whole cake. Press it on well and cut off the leftovers. With a dull knife, create a few lines on three of the sides of the cake. These will be the pages of the book.

6\. Take your sheet of brown fondant (or roll out a block of fondant) and drape it over the top of your cake. Cover only the top and the left side (the one without lines). Press it on and cut off the leftovers. Try to leave a small edge to create the illusion of the ‘cover’ being slightly larger than the ‘pages’ inside.

7\. Bunch up some aluminium foil and gently press it onto the brown fondant to create a leathery texture. Then, use your gold/white coloured fondant to create some decorations on the book cover. If your fondant is white, color it with golden food coloring. Use the leftover food coloring to write the title of the book onto the cover.

8\. Now, place it on a bookshelf in your store. If somebody asks to buy it, glare at them until they leave.

Ineffable Food Cake  
God’s plan was ineffable. It brought together a demon and an angel who should have been enemies yet were nothing but. It also made a lot of fancy cakes possible that especially the angel enjoyed.

Ingredients:

Devil’s Food Cake:  
¼ cup of cocoa powder  
¼ cup of packed brown sugar  
½ teaspoon of instant coffee  
½ cup of hot water  
60g of melted butter  
½ tablespoon of olive oil  
90g of sugar  
¾ cup of flour  
½ teaspoon of baking powder  
1 teaspoons of vanilla extract  
1 egg

Angels Food Cake:  
350g of powdered sugar  
130g of flour (preferably cake flour)  
1 pinch of salt  
12 egg whites  
2 teaspoons of cream of tartar  
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Frosting:  
1 cup of cream  
220g of dark chocolate  
2 tablespoons of brown sugar

1\. First, the Devil’s Food Cake: mix the cocoa, instant coffee and hot water together in one bowl. In another, larger bowl, mix together the flour, sugar and baking powder.

2\. Add the cocoa-coffee mixture to the larger bowl together with the eggs, butter, oil and vanilla extract, then mix until well combined and smooth. Set this aside for now.

3\. Now, the Angel’s Food Cake: Set one cup of sugar aside. Put the rest of the sugar into a bowl together with the flour and salt. Mix lightly. You can start preheating the oven to 175°C now.

4\. In another, large bowl, whip your egg whites and cream of tartar either by hand, with a stand or hand mixer until foamy. Then, while still whipping, slowly add the cup of sugar that you set aside, beating the mixture until soft peaks form. Add the vanilla extract and beat until well combined.

5\. Gently fold in your dry ingredients, bit by bit, sifting them into the beaten eggs. Make sure not to dump it all in at once, you want the eggs to still be fluffy at the end.

6\. Pour the Angel’s cake mixture into a large cake pan, but make sure there is still room left at the top.

7\. Now, take the Devil’s cake batter and pour it into the pan as well, in streaks, using a spoon to create a marbled effect with both of them. Bake for 40-45 minutes or until a toothpick you poke into it comes out clean.

8\. For the frosting, heat your cream in a pot until it reaches a simmer. In a large heatproof bowl, combine the sugar, chocolate and hot cream and let the mixture sit for a few minutes, then whisk it until it’s smooth. Let it sit for about one hour, then frost the top and sides of the cooled cake. Let the cake rest in your fridge until the cream sets.

9\. Serve to your local angel and demon.

Tartan Tin of Biscuits  
A nice snack to bring along to a long car ride, especially if you and your demon tend to get peckish.

Ingredients:  
125g of butter  
60g of sugar  
180g of flour

1\. Whisk your sugar and softened butter until you have a soft cream. You can start preheating your oven to 185°C already.

2\. Mix in your flour until well combined, then take the dough out and place it on a large floured cutting board. Roll the dough out to 1-2cm thickness. 

3\. Using a knife or cookie cutters, cut little snakes, wings and other shapes out of the dough. Knead and roll out the leftovers and repeat, making more shapes.

4\. Place them on a baking sheet, sprinkle with some additional sugar and bake for 15-20 minutes or until they turn light brown.

5\. Put in a tartan tin to bring with you on trips and journeys.

Drinks

Heavenly Cocoa  
Aziraphale had enough experience to make the best cocoa in the world. It was practically heavenly, even though nothing about it resembled Heaven in any way. 

Ingredients:  
One regular sized bar of bitter chocolate  
2 cups of milk  
2 tablespoons of brown sugar  
1 pinch of cinnamon  
¼ cup of heavy cream  
Whipped cream (as a topping)

1\. Chop the chocolate into small pieces.

2\. On low to medium heat, add the pieces of chocolate, one bit at a time, into a pot. Stir continuously while it melts until all the chocolate is a nice, warm liquid.

3\. Continue stirring and slowly pour in the cream, a few drops at a time. Then, carefully add the milk, only a few splashes at once.

4\. Add sugar and cinnamon and take off the stove.

5\. Decorate with some whipped cream and, if you feel like it, some chocolate shavings. Maybe a few marshmallows? Enjoy yourself, nobody can stop you.

6\. Don’t forget your cocoa, or it’ll cool and congeal. 

Witchy Brew  
Don’t worry, this won’t turn you into a frog. This isn’t made by that kind of witch.

Ingredients:  
Green tea (3 bags or 5 teaspoons of loose tea)  
1 liter of water  
½ cup of blood orange juice  
1 teaspoon of lemon juice  
1 teaspoon of brown sugar  
A few mint leaves  
A few thyme sprigs  
A small ginger root

1\. Boil the water in a pot. Turn down the heat and grate about half of a small ginger root into the simmering water.

2\. Add the brown sugar and take the pot off the stove once the sugar has dissolved.

3\. Add the tea bags. If you use loose tea, put the leaves into a coffee filter and pinch it closed with a clothespin. Add the mint leaves and thyme. Steep for 2-3 minutes, then remove the tea bags. Steep for another 3 minutes and remove the thyme and mint. If you want a garnish, leave them in.

4\. Slowly stir in the blood orange and lemon juice.

5\. Can’t be used for spells but keeps you warm during a night out witching.

Holy Water  
Careful! Don’t consume if you are a demon or currently near a demon. 

Ingredients:  
½ half glass of Sprite or 7Up  
Blue Curacao (alcohol-free sirup-version if desired)  
1 tablespoon of lemon juice  
2 tablespoon of grapefruit juice  
Lime  
Crushed ice

1\. Fill a glass about ¾ of the way with ice.

2\. Add the lemon and grapefruit Juice.

3\. Pour Blue Curacao or sirup in circular motions over the ice until most of it is covered by a thin blue film. Don’t use too much.

4\. Carefully add Sprite/7Up.

5\. Slice the lemon. Add 1-3 slices as a garnish.

6\. Pour into a bucket and place over the door if in immediate danger of being snatched by demons.

Tartan Thermos  
Something warm and good that lets you know that somebody out there loves you and wants to look out for you, wrapped in your own pattern of tartan.

Ingredients:  
5 cups of apple juice  
1 tablespoon of cinnamon  
1 pinch of nutmeg  
1 teaspoon of brown sugar  
Loose black tea or one black tea bag

1\. Pour the apple juice into a pot. Slowly heat it until it’s hot but not boiling.

2\. Take the pot off the stove and stir in the cinnamon, sugar and nutmeg.

3\. Either add the teabag or, if you use loose tea, put the leaves into a coffee filter and pinch it closed with a clothespin. Steep for about 3 minutes. Don’t steep it too long, or it’ll get too strong.

4\. Pour into a tartan thermos and bring it to your forbidden love. Tell them they go too fast for you. Years later, let them tempt you to some tea at the Ritz.

Gabriel's Breakfast  
You don’t sully your celestial cooperation with earthly matters.

Ingredients:  
A plate

1\. Place the plate down

2\. You’re done.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like the little recipes. Here is the link for the Illustrations heavy PDF [Whole Cookbook-PDF Free Download](https://potatoknight.itch.io/the-nice-and-not-very-accurate-cookbook) or copy this link https://potatoknight.itch.io/the-nice-and-not-very-accurate-cookbook
> 
> There is also a Printed versoin available, all information here :) :[Hardcover Print Info](https://ineffablelovebirds.tumblr.com/post/635453433286180865/ineffablelovebirds-ineffablelovebirds) or copy this link : https://ineffablelovebirds.tumblr.com/post/635453433286180865/ineffablelovebirds-ineffablelovebirds


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